Doubts..

Been staying home for more than 2 weeks, recuperating. Hoping to recover as soon as possible and get back to work. Being a workaholic, staying home aimlessly, with nothing to do besides watching tv and sleeping is much more hard to endure than burying myself to work. At least, being at work keeps me occupied, not going to think and stress out myself worrying these and that.

I've been wondering why would all these happening as I have been extremely careful watching my diet, steps etc.. I have been praying so hard that the baby would grow healthily and happily in me.. I have strong faith that it would be a strong and happy baby..Much anticipating for it to join us..And all these craps happen..before I could do anything to save it..Its just gone like that.. Losing much faith, I continue praying for full recovery and over my loss pregnancy. Hoping so much all these craps to be over soon..

After a week recuperating, I was told that I'm recovering well and would be fit for work. Was very grateful that things are patching up slowly. After 2 days working, I realised I have been feeling sick, having asthma relapse almost every night , with severe cold feets and hands. Went back to doctor for another check up, was told that I'm doing well..Not to worry but to rest more, and I would be fine soon. On the very day after the morning check up, I got home to rest.But on that evening, I found myself bleeding.. severe bleeding.. which is not normal.. Was rushed back to the doctor for a thorough check up, then to be informed that my cervix bled and there are still blood cloth left in my womb.. Would need to go for another surgery to remove the remaining blood cloth.. I was so stunned and frightened.. Why would these happening on me again, when I have been trying so hard to recover and get back to my life..

I gave up praying since.. I started to lose faith in myself.. I doubt if God hears my prayers.. I doubt if He knows I'm in pain.. I'm totally lost.. I get frustrated at myself for all these craps falling on me again and again.. Where were You when I needed you most ? I believed in You, yet I was given such a big fall.. But why, for those non-Christians or catholic, who never believe in You, they are still bless with a child? Yet I lost mine...

Im so lost..